Everything in the world revolves around relationships. We have a relationship with other people, a relationship with animals, and even a relationship with objects. It's easy to forget that we also have a relationship with ourselves. Thinking about having a relationship with ourselves sounds a bit confusing, but that relationship is as real and logical as our relationship with other humans. The difference is that we are able to bypass the idea that the relationship with ourselves exists because we areourselves.
Thinking that a relationship with ourselves exists might sound illogical, but when it’s time to think and make decisions, it becomes apparent. With the simple task of making a decision, such as what you are going to eat today, you have a debate with yourself deciding which food would bring the most satisfaction to consume. When the debate occurs, it’s almost like you have two people engaging in a conversation.
One of the ways that the relationship with ourselves becomes more obvious is when we are engaging in self-judgment. When we make a mistake or fall short of what we intended to do; our goals, our desires, we start to judge ourselves. When we judge ourselves, it is exactly as if we were judging someone else. We engage in self-talk (talking to ourselves) that can be either Positive or Negative. We judgeourselves and the judgment will affect us positively or negatively, which will be apparent through our emotions.
Negative Self-talk
When we are judging ourselves, we are directly choosing whether we are going to feel good or bad about ourselves. Choosing to use negative self-talk can be often chosen as a punishment for falling short. If the circumstance is not awful enough, our self-judgment is intended to compliment the situation. It’s psychological self-flagellation. When we judge ourselves negatively, it’s the same reason we do it towards other people; we want to verbally punish them for their wrong doings, because we know words have power. When we do it to ourselves, it serves the same purpose. Negative self-talk may include using harsh comments, demeaning words, curse words, or name calling towards ourselves.
Positive Self-talk
We can also, 100% of the time, decide to do the opposite. No matter the circumstance, at any given moment, or regardless of how severely negative something is, we always have the choice to use Positive Self-talk. Positive self-talk should not be confused with lying to ourselves and pretending everything is okay, but rather having a sense of love towards ourselves. It is understanding and accepting that we will fall short because we are human. It’s not ignoring the wrong doing or pretending it didn’t happen, but more of seeing ourselves as worthy of having another chance. Choosing positive self-talk means treating ourselves with respect and not turning to verbal abuse. Positive self-talk may include using positive comments and motivational words, or even using constructive criticism when judging ourselves.
Why is it important?
When we engage in more positive self-talk than negative self-talk, we are protecting us from ourselves. That is where you can see that Self-relationship is apparent. Many times, we can be our worst enemy without realizing it. The negative self-talk can also create many psychological symptoms and even disorders such as depression and anxiety. We have the capacity to be the worst person to ourselves because of the fact that we are with ourselves all of the time, and so our mistakes and errors, our shortcomings, are constantly in our view, making it easier to engage in negative self-talk. Contrary to popular belief, negative self-talk does not help us to feel motivated or to try again, it actually brings us down.
How do we fix it?
If we make a mistake, we need to stop and think about how we are going to treat ourselves in the moment. Are we engaging in negative self-talk? Sometimes it’s difficult to realize it, but we can always see the proof through our emotions. After I criticize myself, am I feeling worse, or do I feel better? Do I feel defeated, sad, more anxious, or do I feel motivated and willing to move forward, willing to give it another chance? If we are using negative self-talk - which is usually easier to do automatically due to the feeling of failure that negative circumstances can provoke - we need to make a conscious decision to switch gears and replace it with positive self-talk.
Conclusion
We have a relationship with everything in this world, whether it’s other people, animals, or objects, but one of the most important of the relationship is the relationship with ourselves. It is evident when we make decisions and especially when we are engaging in self-judgement. Whether we decide to treat ourselves in a positive or negative way, it is 100% our choice no matter the circumstance or gravity of the situation. Choosing how to treat ourselves is a choice that no one can take away from you or control. Choosing to use negative self-talk creates the same detrimental effect, or worse, as if we are doing it to others. Choosing positive self-talk, on the other hand, will help us to move forward, foster compassion and love for ourselves, which in the end promotes a healthy self-esteem, more self-confidence, and ultimately self-worth.
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